Hiring in 2024: The Search For Unicorns
What it's like out here in the job market…
MUST HIRE ASAP! 📢❗🚨
Seeking a ninja rockstar Olympic gold medalist EGOT, Pulitzer Prize-winning Senior Content Marketing Manager. Must also have 13 years of experience as a graphic designer, e-mail marketing manager, event administrator, and publicist.
While this once-in-a-lifetime Senior Content Marketing Manager position has been vacant for 8 months and we’ve reposted the job 6 times, we’re serious about hiring!
You’ll Be a Good Fit Here If…
🤠 Hustle or Guru is your middle name
🤠 You understand that you MUST respond to all Slack messages within 15 minutes — even 11 pm on Tuesday nights, weekends, and holidays!
🤠 You can create Editorial Guidelines despite knowing not a single soul will follow, use, or care about them
🤠 You can fiddle with Wordpress while doing a handstand and singing the entirety of Taylor Swift’s “All Too Well” (10 Minute Version)
🤠 Micromanagement makes your heart skip a beat
🤠 You live, laugh, love a three-ring circus
🤠 You are a unicorn — like, really. But horses of a different color, do not apply!
The Hiring Process — we like to keep it simple:
1️⃣ A video call with our recruiter who may or may not show
2️⃣ The Hedge Maze: You will have 15 minutes to escape our branded hedge maze while blindfolded
3️⃣ A Zoom with the hiring manager who may or may not show
4️⃣ Plasma donation! This shows us that you’ll go to any bloody length for us
5️⃣ A Zoom meeting with the department head who may or may not show
6️⃣ The Shark Tank: Don’t fret — you’ll be in a cage, but we’ll take you shark diving to see how well you handle stress!
7️⃣ A straightforward unpaid assessment where you create a yearly content plan and write a 20,000-word blog
8️⃣ A meeting with Jigsaw from the Saw movie franchise — for those that make it through, your prize will be meeting with our CEO
9️⃣ An 8-minute interview with our CEO who will probably call you the wrong name and ask why they are meeting with you
🔟 An offer! You made it! How does $23,000 sound? Cha-ching!
Benefits:
🥴 Competitive compensation
🥴 10 PTO days, 2 sick days
🥴 Potential for 1% raises every 3.5 years
🥴 High growth opportunities (yeah, we don’t know what that means either but trust us - we’ve got ‘em)
🥴 Cool swag like itchy, cheap branded t-shirts and fidget spinners
🥴 2 drink tickets at our holiday party where the buffet food is going to be cold (sorry - no plus ones)
🥴 A Keurig machine in the break room from 2015 — BYO K-cup
🥴 Cornhole Thursdays
🦄 Are you the unicorn we’re looking for? If so, what are you waiting for? To apply: Send us your resume + portfolio, plus a cover letter with the phrase “coffee coffee dingle dingle” to let us know you read the job description (note: we will not be reading your cover letter). Candidates must also send 7 references, including 1 from Oprah herself and Steve Jobs (RIP). 🦄
In the words of Chappell Roan, “Good luck, babe!” We can’t wait to hear from you and have you join the team
Note: Previously shared on my LinkedIn.